CRISIS CENTRAL

Expectations... the culprit!

2010-09-18T12:03:00.000+05:30

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” ~ Frederick Perls

Just imagine... if one had no expectations from anyone there is no way they can be hurt and disappointed. Because people are going to let you down eventually. You build up this crazy impossible picture in your head about what the person can do for you, and that just isn't going to happen. Then you go around being all angry at the person because they let you down. Well, that really isn't true is it? You are the one who put yourself in that position, by having those unrealistic expectations. It really all is in your hands. You can be as happy as you want to be. Just don't depend on anyone else for it. That's the key... Easier said than done though

Slipping through my fingers

2010-09-18T11:59:00.002+05:30

You know how sometimes you see things just falling apart around you? Sometimes it is things you know are bound to fall apart because you want them so bad you have ended up jinxing them yourself. Sometimes it is things that are so precious to you and you realised this only after it started slipping through your fingers? And you feel helpless and tell yourself there was nothing you could have done about it, it wasn't in your control, you didn't see it coming. But that isn't true, is it? There is always something you can do about it. You can always see it coming if you just pay attention and not take things for granted. If you stop letting your insecurities get the best of you. You tell yourself before you can even attempt it that it isn't going to work, that you are going to fail so why even bother trying? How messed up is that! The worst is when you are so scared to fail that you end up sabotaging the whole thing yourself. That is another whole level of messed up!!! Ah well, nothing I can do about it i guess!!!!

THE Guy...

2010-03-19T17:30:00.000+05:30

Heard this from a friend's mom...

"I recognized that it doesn't matter if a guy is sexy, funny, smart, charismatic and rich if he doesn't make you feel safe to communicate openly, safe to trust his commitment and loyalty, or safe to be your fullest self. A relationship of shared virtue where each partner challenges and supports the other to bloom into their best possible selves..."

~ Karen Salmansohn

Random Ramblings...

2010-03-18T18:59:00.002+05:30

I have been wanting to revive my blog for a while now. Yesterday I decided to finally get down to doing it. So, I started to think about all those "life-changing"/AHA (call it whatever you like) moments that have happened since I moved to Delhi and started to lead the life I had always dreamed I would. I got nothing... NOTHING!!! How terrible is that? No highs, no lows... things have just been going smoothly (which is good too, I guess). Not that there hasn't been drama (quite a lot of it i might add!!!) but nothing phenomenal that I can write about.

You know, I envy people whose passion is writing... What fun for them! Everything they experience becomes all the more amazing coz they can relive all those moments by writing about it. I think thats how people go on forever... their stories get read and people bring them back to life when they experience what the writer experienced.

Ah well... no such luck for me... I was at such a loss as to what to write about, i wrote about exactly that!

What did you expect!!!???!!

2009-10-06T16:11:00.001+05:30

If you push people away and don't let anyone in,
If you decline to comment and never share your feelings,
If you say all you need is you and no one else,
Do you really think you are gonna be given the benefit of the doubt?
Do you really think you will be loved unconditionally and above all else?
NO!
What did you expect???!!??!?!

I spy...

2009-04-17T22:25:00.002+05:30

She remembered something today, something she never knew she knew.

She remembers opening a door and seeing something she shouldn't have seen.

She goes over this picture in her mind, analyzing and over-analyzing it, hoping, praying even that it is her mind playing some dirty tricks on her. Hoping it is someone else's memory, someone else standing at the door. Not her but some other little girl not understanding what she is seeing, yet instinctively knowing that it is not normal, that it is wrong, that it is a big secret.

But it couldn't have been anyone else. Because the memory fit in with everything else she had learned about her reality. Maybe the burden of that secret must have been too big for her to handle. So, she forgot it. Till now...

She should have stopped there. But no, there was no going back from there. She started to remember more things. Some happy, some sad, some horrific things. Things that had made her the person she is today. She wondered sometimes why she behaved the way she did. Why she hated some things with such passion. Well, now she knew.

And as is usual with her, after the damage had already been done, she wishes she hadn't remembered at all. Because none of her questions had been answered. Well, thats not entirely true. The WHATs had been answered but not the WHYs.

Then she remembers reading somewhere, that the past is like a broken plate - you can try to piece it all together but it will never ever look the same. So she guesses it means she will never know why.

The picture in her head just keeps getting hazier and hazier.

Almost...

2009-04-16T23:23:00.002+05:30

She stops for a moment to take a breath.

Bad idea!

That gives her mind more than enough time to think.

Yet another bad idea!

She had learned the hard way to not acknowledge her thoughts.

She never used to be like this. She used to have this picture of herself, the way she wanted to be. It used to be so clear, so vivid, so colourful. But then a few years ago this picture started to get hazy. And hazier and hazier. That really scared her because she believed the picture always guided her, told her which direction to take and what decisions to make. What was she going to do now? She was lost and confused and she felt she had no one to turn to.

With the picture in her head getting bleaker, the world around her came into sharp focus. She saw things she never noticed before, things she later wished she had never come to know. And she did what she had always done in the past - tried to fix everything she thought was wrong.

Again, bad idea!

Helplessness was a strange, alien feeling for her. She didn't know how to deal with it and the best thing to do was shut it all out. So she left, walked away from the only person who could ever truly love her because he just knew too much. A clean break, she told herself. Shut it all out. Stop thinking! Ah, a brilliant plan. Only it didn't always work.

Like now...

She was thinking. Maybe she could fix this. Maybe she could be happy again. Maybe she could love again. Or allow herself to be loved. Maybe, just maybe... The fantasy never got beyond that - She didn't let it - and though the tears rolled down her cheeks, she wasn't sobbing or out of control. She just waited a bit, took a deep breath and continued to walk to where she was supposed to be.

"Before Sunset"

2008-06-28T02:09:00.003+05:30

I have seen the movie a million times and each time I relate to a different part or a different part hits me. This is what Celine says in one of her rants...

I was thinking...
For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore.
I was suffering so much all the time.
I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life.
It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.

Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's...
never around?

Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship.
Yeah, we have, you know,
this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him,
but at least I'm not dying inside.
When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!

No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...

Yeah, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous!
It's a disaster...
I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own.
Even being alone...
it's better than...
sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.
It's not so easy for me to be a romantic.
You start off that way, and,
after you've been screwed over a few times...
You... you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you
just take what comes into your life.
That's not even true, I haven't been...
screwed over, I've just had too many...
blah relationships. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but...
they were no real... connection, or excitement.
At least, not from my side.
You know...
it's not even that, I was...
I was fine.
Until I read your fucking book!
It stirred shit out from you,
It reminded me how... genuinely romantic I was,
how I had so much hope in things and...
now it's like...
I don't believe in anything that relates to love,
I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way...
I put all my romanticism into that one night
and I was never able to feel all this again.
Like...
somehow this night took things away from me and...
I expressed them to you and you took them with you!
It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!
You know what?
Reality and love are almost contradictory for me.
But it's my fault, I know that it's my fault, because...
I never felt it was the right man.
Never!
But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life?
The concept is absurd,
the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...
EVIL!
Right?
You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times.
And then I recovered.
So now, you know, form the start, I make no effort.
Because I know exactly whats going to happen!

Amazing shit!

It's all over...?

2008-04-03T22:34:00.000+05:30

They had grown further and further apart and she couldn't understand it. Then it finally happened. He told her it was over. And that was it. She kept asking for an explanation but she never got one. She could see he was hurting too but he just wouldn't open up. One day she walked up to him and refused to leave.
"I want answers and I want them right now."
"Trust me, you don't wanna know."
"Just tell me and get it over with."
"It just wasn't you. It was never ever going to be you. You were never the one."
"But you said I was!"
"Because I wanted to believe it, I was desperate to. You're the best woman I've ever known, your values, your kindness, your beauty, I mean you're everything I've ever looked for, when I finally found you, I felt for sure that I'd fall so deeply in love, I kept waiting for it to happen, but... It didn't."
"You never loved me?"
"No I do, I still do. But I've known greater love with women who for other reasons weren't right. Look, I knew that marrying you would be the smart thing to do, I mean, you'd be a good mother, we'd be great companions, the most practical thing I could have ever done would have been to marry you, but part of me would have also died inside because... I have no passion for you. You know I actually used to pray, "God, let me fall in love with her more, please, let me feel it"...... Should I have told you all that? Do you feel better knowing?"

It was too much to take. But she realised that she was going to be fine. Atleast she understood it now. And imagine what would have happened if he hadn't broken it off. She would have been with a man who didn't love her. Now, what could be more awful than that! Right??!!?!

Good shit...

2008-03-19T02:17:00.001+05:30

"Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length" - ROBERT FROST

MAYBE I'M AMAZED - JEM

2008-02-08T23:23:00.001+05:30

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way i love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way i really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

I can't let go...?

2008-02-08T22:36:00.000+05:30

Help me out...
Or hold me down...
I feel my world tumbling...
Spiraling down...
I can’t let go...
Something’s wrong, I can’t let go...
Something's wrong, Do I want to let go...?

The cold is circling around me,
It brings with it memories,
They wash over me, rain over me,
I feel my world tumbling...
Spiraling down...
I can't let go...
Something’s wrong, I can’t let go...
Something's wrong, Do I want to let go...?

The new me, she's cruel,
It's almost too much for my heart,
She laughs at me, mocks me,
I feel my world tumbling...
Spiraling down...
I can't let go...
Something’s wrong, I can’t let go...
Something's wrong, Do I want to let go...?

When the rain of memories falls,
It tears my soul apart,
When it rains...
Why does it rain so slowly...?
When it rains...
Why can't I let go...?

RAGS ROCKS VIZAG!

2008-01-23T17:04:00.000+05:30

It is going to be a year this March since my friend, Rohit Anant Ganapati, succumbed to cancer. His family has registered a trust called the Rohit Memorial Foundation in his memory. PARIKRAMA is going to do the ROHIT MEMORIAL CONCERT at Vizag on Feb 10th 2008 at TENNITI PARK (Ro loved this beach)... All the money raised will be forwarded to the RAGS FOUNDATION and the SANSKRITI FOUNDATION. They are working for youth suffering from heart ailments and cancer. If any of you reading this are going to be in vizag please attend the concert or atleast contribute to this cause in any way that you can. Contact 9848191866 for tickets and send any contributions in favour of "ROHIT MEMORIAL FOUNDATION" AT VIZAG.

THE LEGEND OF ROHIT ANANT GANAPATI LIVES ON.

Irreversible changes?

2008-01-09T01:12:00.000+05:30

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do you?

And there was a time when I let you know
What's really going on below
But now I never show that to you do I?

The perfect conversation

2008-01-09T01:04:00.000+05:30

When time spent together is something like a letter...
The kind that someone writes but never sends...

Now wouldn't that be nice?

I do it my way...

2007-11-05T19:02:00.000+05:30

A new friend gave this song to me... It's amazing how someone who hardly knows you can see something about you so clearly... One of the most touching things anyone has ever done for me... Thanks :-)

"My Way" by Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

Ive lived a life that's full.
Ive traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man , what has he got?
If not himself , then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

How do I let you go....?

2007-10-24T23:59:00.000+05:30

People never knew just how much he meant to me
They knew him by name, but it's still not the same

His eyes so bright, his smile so wide
I hope he knew that I was right there by his side

Now he's gone far far away
His beautiful face continues to haunt me even today

Why does God take the best of the one's we love
Up to that great big world up above?

His memory will never leave
His kind and gentle smile will always be seen

I'll never forget you, never let you leave my mind
Let me remind you that i love you, just one more time.

Closed-minded

2007-10-21T16:02:00.000+05:30

Someone once told me something a while ago... a long while ago... I woke up today morning with those words creating havoc in my head... Funny that I remember those lines word for word...

"You were so nice to me when I was having my problems, but now that you're having yours, there seems to be nothing that I can do for you. You're all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, if I'm lucky you look up for a second and then go back inside."

It's quite a distressing thought... Do I really shut people off like that? Doesn't that pretty much amount to being dishonest? I mean, there are some people in your life that you share everything with or atleast they share everything with you and expect (rightfully so!) that you do the same but you don't... or can't. Thats not right... It just isn't.

You think you are an open book but then you realise that the only time that is the case is when you seek out advice for something you have already made up your mind about. Then the whole exercise is pointless, isn't it? Damn... that makes me the most closed-minded person I know!!!

I got placed!!!

2007-10-21T00:26:00.000+05:30

Oh and yes... most importantly- I have officially been placed... I have successfully managed to fool someone into hiring me as their summer intern... Ernst and Young... here i come!!! :-)

I wanted this so badly... I think someone out there heard me... Ro, could it have been you?

Last-minute Panic

2007-10-20T23:49:00.000+05:30

I love Calvin... he is the most brilliant child on the planet... I mean, how can he not be when he comes up with stuff like this:

“-You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
-What mood is that?
-Last-minute panic.”

It's so true. Like when our submission was due at 5 the other day. We had been starting at that damn research topic on my screen for hours but to no avail. We couldn't even come up with the brief... forget about the literature review and detailed friggin' approach!!! And added to this is the fact that I don't have a creative bone in my body, so I wasn't helping at all!!! But then suddenly at 4 things start to get a lot clearer... We knew exactly what had to be done and how the project had to be approached... it's like the clouds parted and all that jazz :-)

And the funniest thing is that when I read that report now, it sounds really really good, all well-researched and all... I can't believe it... And all it took was some good old "Last-minute Panic"

The Reading Fiend has been resurrected

2007-09-30T12:46:00.000+05:30

I'm back home... and I've been catching up on my reading... I ended up reading another Jodi Picoult book that I sobbed the whole way through and could not put down. It was AMAZING! And I just finished another Sophie Kinsella Shopaholic book. Anyway, so I found a quote (there are quotes that start each chapter in one of the books) that I thought was really interesting:

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

-John Milton, Paradise Lost

The power of words never ceases to amaze me. I mean this is something that I am sure I have always known but when it is put like that it just... hits me! Good stuff.......

Oooh... and one more interesting quote...
"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

AND AND AND... The most amazing thing... Sanyal got me the Calvin and Hobbes Box Set... My parents think I've gone insane... I just stare at those pages for atleast half an hour a day and then put it away with such care thatI think it freaks them out... but dude, it's Calvin and Hobbes!!!!

Beddy-bye... yeah rite!

2007-08-10T17:16:00.000+05:30

I need sleep!!! I've been dozing off in class (as u can tell from the pic)... even when the session is interesting!!!! I think the sandman has taken a liking to me... He refuses to go away!!!

Slumber land beckons...

I need more than just forty winks........................................

To... my immortal

2007-07-19T01:18:00.000+05:30

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROHIT!!!!

You are missed terribly...

I hope you are happy wherever you are.
I hope you can hear me whenever I talk to you.
I hope you know that I think of you often and pray for you and your family.
I hope you know... that I love you... more than I let you know when I had the chance.

I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye.

Now I know who my guardian angel up there is :-)

You were my first love and I'll always remember you like this

Miss u rohi...

Always will...

I'm gonna take you with me wherever I go coz' I know that's how people go on forever...

Luggage woes...

2007-06-27T20:46:00.000+05:30

Okay, major luggage problems people... Hyper-ventilation happening!!!

I started packing today... I have too much stuff... I didn't see this coming!!!

I hate Air Deccan for allowing only 15 kilos!!! Absolutely detest them... There is no way i can manage within that god forsaken limit!!! And I hate paying excess baggage... What the hell do I do??? Please don't say something like just don't take so much... U think i haven't already thought of that??? There is nothing i can not carry... Well, actually there is but i don't want to remove them... Why couldn't I have just taken everything last time???

This happens every time I pack... It's been 4 years tanvi... have you learnt nothing... nothing woman????

That's it... It's official... I'm an idiot... And I'm screwed...

Friggin' change!!!

2007-06-22T22:31:00.000+05:30

What happens when the things that you thought were the constants in your life start to change in ways that you thought unfathomable before? And the things that you had written off and given up on suddenly come back with a bang and become glaringly relevant? We’ve been told things change and blah blah blah but there are always some things you count on to never change. Some things that you define your life by. Things that have made you the person that you are. If those things are no longer true then is everything you believe in a lie? Who are you? Is it okay to continue to base your beliefs upon things that have been proved wrong right in front of your eyes? Is that just being plain stupid? Or is it being hopeful?

Am I supposed to revamp my entire belief system just because circumstances change and some people let me down? Maybe it is time to change because maybe I’m letting some people down too. Maybe the problem is that I haven’t changed. Or changed in ways that aren’t apparent to me as yet. The thing that pisses me off is why one is thrown into turmoil just as things are setting into a nice comfortable rhythm? Why are we constantly being tested? Is it so that we can prove that we deserve the good things in life? But if we’re constantly proving ourselves when are we going to enjoy the good stuff, hah? Ufff... all is I know is that I didn’t need such a long holiday. I should not be left alone with my thoughts. Sanyal and I already established that fact!

Rereading Gibran

2007-06-20T10:19:00.000+05:30

Isn't it amazing how one book can teach you so much? Every time I read Prophet something new seems to pop up. I guess our state of mind affects what we take away from a book. This is the verse that hit me this time around... On friendship...

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Orientation over

2007-06-16T15:44:00.000+05:30

Last day of orientation. Just walked out of the feedback session to finish packing. Luckily, I am usually very preoccupied on the days that I am travelling what with atleast 20 to-do lists doing rounds in my head. So I haven't had much time to focus on how I'm feeling. I think I'm sad that it's over. These times are never going to come back again. We'll never have this place all to ourselves. Gosh, I never learnt to share, did I? But then we're going to be moving on to things that will be more fun, I hope. And I get to know my friends better... I have two more years!!! :-)

So, going home... mumma and papa, food, AC... Suddenly, I'm not that sad anymore :-)

Flustered and overloaded, already!!!??!! :-)

2007-06-13T18:45:00.001+05:30

It's been really hectic the past few days. A good friend fell terribly ill and we had to rush her to the hospital early in the morning. I was petrified! I guess one never realises how much they really care for a person till something like this happens. She is absolutely fine now, thank god! It was just that one bad night.

Adding to the fact that we have 7-8 hours of boring classes almost everyday are those god damn presentations we have to make. Sure, I've heard the "Might as well get used to it" crap but that doesn't make the process any less tedious! The good thing is that I'm getting to know some of my batch mates better but I think that's where the goodness ends. I think I am officially stressed out!!!!

I cannot complain about the 2-3 hrs of sleep every night thing coz' I've realised that I'm doing it voluntarily. I could decide to sleep a little earlier than 5, actually a lot earlier than 5 but I don't. Lots of reasons for that. Firstly, neend aati hi nahi. My sleep-cycle seems to have changed. That didn't take very long, did it? Secondly, I enjoy spending time with my new friends. I was wondering the other day how I feel so close to some of them after having known them for less than a month. I realised that we've all had a lot of time to spend together coz' of those 4-5 hrs we get from not sleeping. Plus, we're all living together... that helps a lot!

Oh, and we had a good day day before. Went Saree shopping, ate a good meal and saw ocean's 13. We were 36 MICAns there... nice! It was a little chaotic getting it organized, I'm sure. I had a tough enough time handing out the tickets so I can imagine! But it was fun.

Back to the grind. Yet another presentation to make. Hopefully the last for the next 2 weeks...

Interesting day...

2007-06-09T17:08:00.000+05:30

Okay, so TMM wasn't that bad today. Maybe coz' i bunked the first session??? He redeemed himself but still got a little too agitated wen anyone disagreed with him. I guess he isn't used to his views being questioned. Well, that is likely to change now!!!

Our presentations were due in biz comm today. We did a good job even though we couldn't complete our presentation coz' we ran out of time. Last night's hard work paid off! :-)

Another group showcasing talent at MICA showed a 30 second clipping of me doing a monologue from the last play that i performed. I am thoroughly embarrassed!!! It's the first time I have seen myself perform- it's really funny... god knows what those DU judges were thinking!!!

I got yelled at today. I am super pissed about that. I don't think I deserved that at all but I better not start to question authority so early. I might as well save it for when it really matters and not for times like this when my ego takes a battering. But still, it was wrong!!!!!!!

TMM... whaaaaaa????

2007-06-08T13:27:00.000+05:30

Oh my god!!! I have never felt so stupid in my life! We have just started this new course called theories in mass media and I have no friggin' clue abt wats happening man! And I thought i was well-read... haha... Obviously I'm nowhere close. MICA is shattering quite a few of my illusions, I must say! Anyway, so the instructor is throwing all these fancy-schmancy names at us and keeps using fundoo terms. Today he explicitly told one of us that we think too simply. I mean, hello!!! His inability to "come down" (The use of that term is highly suspect) to our level and teach us needs to be adressed. Why should we accept or agree with something he says just because he can rattle off the names of 5 more theories than we can??? Oh and to top it all off he calls MICA a 2nd grade b-school... Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! That just did it for me. I don't think he can do anything to redeem himself now. As soon as his class starts I'm probably going to switch off and play the dot game. The sad thing is that he seems like a really interesting person with pile-on experience but if he can't make us relate to him in any way then all that goes to a waste. But there is still hope... maybe he'll get better... or maybe I'll get a little more patient... :-)

feeling a moment

2007-05-30T18:51:00.000+05:30

Do you know what it feels like when a moment slips away? Wishing for someone and feeling it all begin to slide? Feeling the moment slip away...

Am I losing direction, losing faith? It's hard to face what I have become and bury the ashes of who I used to be. Now I'm trying to fill the space left behind. Still feeling the moment slip away...

It feels like there is no sun. How will I be when the dark clouds come back again? Would I still feel like there is no one? Will I fall apart again? Still feeling the moment slip away...

Was he singing this to me?

2007-05-30T18:31:00.000+05:30

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing And I don't know why.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm...
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name...
But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm...
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name...
But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm...
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name...
But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same.

Everybody's Changing and I don't feel the same.

"Everybody's Changing" by Keane

A Mican

2007-05-29T22:48:00.000+05:30

My 9th day at MICA. This honestly is one of the most beautiful places I have seen and experienced. Ofcourse it's green and the landscaping is awesome. But I'm not really talking about that though it is one of the reasons why I already love this place so much. It's the vibes. Okay, I should say here that I am a very "vibes" person. If I don't get good vibes from a person or a place then I would prefer to not have anything to do with that person and run as far away from that place as possible. I obviously don't always get to do that and sometimes I'm wrong but still....

So, anyway. Back to MICA. What prompted me to write this was that it rained today. The campus is looking breathtaking. The power went off for 10 seconds (our back-up system is way too efficient) and I finally got to see the place without lights. I can't even begin to tell you what that felt like. With the smell of the first rain, raindrops falling on my face as i lay on the bench
(not on the grass coz' of my god damn ankle) and Nights in White Satin playing in the background... It was a heady experience! I've been here for such a short while but I already feel incredibly comfortable here. I have never been a major fan of walking but that is all I want to do here. Walk all around campus. Make sure I know every nook and corner. Make sure I've seen the entire langur family, proved that there are more than 5 cats on campus, actually see the pregnant cat and Roxy do something other than sleep and now chase the cats, oh and i have to see a peacock. It's embarrasing... Everyone on campus has seen one except me.

Most of all I get to do what i love to do the most- people watching. I have spent most of my free time here noticing the people on campus- my batchmates, some of the faculty, the staff, the help... It's funny how I always end up learning more about myself everything I learn more about other people. As a batchmate of mine put it- we have 120 very strongly opinionated people here. None of them wants to concede even a single point to anyone else. It's not as bad as that sounds but it is true to a very large extent. Everyone here is insecure, some more than others. None of us has any idea what's gonna hit us. But that doesn't seem to trouble anyone. Whether we're in denial or we really are excited to be here is anyone's guess. I wonder who all among these 119 ppl are going to be my friends. How many of them will I be able to trust? How many of them will be able to trust me? I wonder... I guess I'll get to know soon enough... I'm curious as hell though... :-) I'm really enjoying getting to know all my batchmates. We are all so different. Have had so many varied experiences. I wish I could get to know everyone and learn all that I can from them but then I'd be kidding myself.

So I love MICA... i can officially say that now... This place is going to be my home for the next 2 years of my life and I couldn't be happier! I have been led to believe that there will be days where I definitely won't feel that way... Luckily those days haven't come around as yet.

2007-05-29T22:32:00.000+05:30

Yet another crisis. New place, new people but the problems aren't new. It's those same irritating insecurities that follow me around everywhere I go. That makes things even more frustrating. Everytime I think I have dealt with something and gotten rid of it for good it's back again! Including my defective ankles... That's what led to the "breakdown". As if being fucked in the head wasn't bad enough. Add to it the fact that one is in pain and can't walk around.

Enough about me feeling sorry for myself. I realised today that I was being so incredibly self-absorbed!!! Everyone is going through shit. That's just the way things are. I still don't believe that "switching off" and not thinking about something that's troubling me will make it go away. But if it is something I can't do a shit about then there is no point harping on and on about it. Easier said than done... I've spent all the 21 years of my life worrying about things that are not in my control. Maybe it is time to change. Lol... how many times have I said that to myself?!!? I always end up back here. Maybe this time will be different......