Random Ramblings...

I have been wanting to revive my blog for a while now. Yesterday I decided to finally get down to doing it. So, I started to think about all those "life-changing"/AHA (call it whatever you like) moments that have happened since I moved to Delhi and started to lead the life I had always dreamed I would. I got nothing... NOTHING!!! How terrible is that? No highs, no lows... things have just been going smoothly (which is good too, I guess). Not that there hasn't been drama (quite a lot of it i might add!!!) but nothing phenomenal that I can write about.

You know, I envy people whose passion is writing... What fun for them! Everything they experience becomes all the more amazing coz they can relive all those moments by writing about it. I think thats how people go on forever... their stories get read and people bring them back to life when they experience what the writer experienced.

Ah well... no such luck for me... I was at such a loss as to what to write about, i wrote about exactly that!

What did you expect!!!???!!

If you push people away and don't let anyone in,
If you decline to comment and never share your feelings,
If you say all you need is you and no one else,
Do you really think you are gonna be given the benefit of the doubt?
Do you really think you will be loved unconditionally and above all else?
NO!
What did you expect???!!??!?!

I spy...

She remembered something today, something she never knew she knew.

She remembers opening a door and seeing something she shouldn't have seen.

She goes over this picture in her mind, analyzing and over-analyzing it, hoping, praying even that it is her mind playing some dirty tricks on her. Hoping it is someone else's memory, someone else standing at the door. Not her but some other little girl not understanding what she is seeing, yet instinctively knowing that it is not normal, that it is wrong, that it is a big secret.

But it couldn't have been anyone else. Because the memory fit in with everything else she had learned about her reality. Maybe the burden of that secret must have been too big for her to handle. So, she forgot it. Till now...

She should have stopped there. But no, there was no going back from there. She started to remember more things. Some happy, some sad, some horrific things. Things that had made her the person she is today. She wondered sometimes why she behaved the way she did. Why she hated some things with such passion. Well, now she knew.

And as is usual with her, after the damage had already been done, she wishes she hadn't remembered at all. Because none of her questions had been answered. Well, thats not entirely true. The WHATs had been answered but not the WHYs.

Then she remembers reading somewhere, that the past is like a broken plate - you can try to piece it all together but it will never ever look the same. So she guesses it means she will never know why.

The picture in her head just keeps getting hazier and hazier.

Almost...

She stops for a moment to take a breath.

Bad idea!

That gives her mind more than enough time to think.

Yet another bad idea!

She had learned the hard way to not acknowledge her thoughts.

She never used to be like this. She used to have this picture of herself, the way she wanted to be. It used to be so clear, so vivid, so colourful. But then a few years ago this picture started to get hazy. And hazier and hazier. That really scared her because she believed the picture always guided her, told her which direction to take and what decisions to make. What was she going to do now? She was lost and confused and she felt she had no one to turn to.

With the picture in her head getting bleaker, the world around her came into sharp focus. She saw things she never noticed before, things she later wished she had never come to know. And she did what she had always done in the past - tried to fix everything she thought was wrong.

Again, bad idea!

Helplessness was a strange, alien feeling for her. She didn't know how to deal with it and the best thing to do was shut it all out. So she left, walked away from the only person who could ever truly love her because he just knew too much. A clean break, she told herself. Shut it all out. Stop thinking! Ah, a brilliant plan. Only it didn't always work.

Like now...

She was thinking. Maybe she could fix this. Maybe she could be happy again. Maybe she could love again. Or allow herself to be loved. Maybe, just maybe... The fantasy never got beyond that - She didn't let it - and though the tears rolled down her cheeks, she wasn't sobbing or out of control. She just waited a bit, took a deep breath and continued to walk to where she was supposed to be.

"Before Sunset"

I have seen the movie a million times and each time I relate to a different part or a different part hits me. This is what Celine says in one of her rants...

I was thinking...
For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore.
I was suffering so much all the time.
I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life.
It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.

Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's...
never around?

Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship.
Yeah, we have, you know,
this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him,
but at least I'm not dying inside.
When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!

No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...

Yeah, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous!
It's a disaster...
I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own.
Even being alone...
it's better than...
sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.
It's not so easy for me to be a romantic.
You start off that way, and,
after you've been screwed over a few times...
You... you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you
just take what comes into your life.
That's not even true, I haven't been...
screwed over, I've just had too many...
blah relationships. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but...
they were no real... connection, or excitement.
At least, not from my side.
You know...
it's not even that, I was...
I was fine.
Until I read your fucking book!
It stirred shit out from you,
It reminded me how... genuinely romantic I was,
how I had so much hope in things and...
now it's like...
I don't believe in anything that relates to love,
I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way...
I put all my romanticism into that one night
and I was never able to feel all this again.
Like...
somehow this night took things away from me and...
I expressed them to you and you took them with you!
It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!
You know what?
Reality and love are almost contradictory for me.
But it's my fault, I know that it's my fault, because...
I never felt it was the right man.
Never!
But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life?
The concept is absurd,
the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...
EVIL!
Right?
You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times.
And then I recovered.
So now, you know, form the start, I make no effort.
Because I know exactly whats going to happen!

Amazing shit!

It's all over...?

They had grown further and further apart and she couldn't understand it. Then it finally happened. He told her it was over. And that was it. She kept asking for an explanation but she never got one. She could see he was hurting too but he just wouldn't open up. One day she walked up to him and refused to leave.
"I want answers and I want them right now."
"Trust me, you don't wanna know."
"Just tell me and get it over with."
"It just wasn't you. It was never ever going to be you. You were never the one."
"But you said I was!"
"Because I wanted to believe it, I was desperate to. You're the best woman I've ever known, your values, your kindness, your beauty, I mean you're everything I've ever looked for, when I finally found you, I felt for sure that I'd fall so deeply in love, I kept waiting for it to happen, but... It didn't."
"You never loved me?"
"No I do, I still do. But I've known greater love with women who for other reasons weren't right. Look, I knew that marrying you would be the smart thing to do, I mean, you'd be a good mother, we'd be great companions, the most practical thing I could have ever done would have been to marry you, but part of me would have also died inside because... I have no passion for you. You know I actually used to pray, "God, let me fall in love with her more, please, let me feel it"...... Should I have told you all that? Do you feel better knowing?"

It was too much to take. But she realised that she was going to be fine. Atleast she understood it now. And imagine what would have happened if he hadn't broken it off. She would have been with a man who didn't love her. Now, what could be more awful than that! Right??!!?!

Good shit...

"Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length" - ROBERT FROST