Slipping through my fingers

You know how sometimes you see things just falling apart around you? Sometimes it is things you know are bound to fall apart because you want them so bad you have ended up jinxing them yourself. Sometimes it is things that are so precious to you and you realised this only after it started slipping through your fingers? And you feel helpless and tell yourself there was nothing you could have done about it, it wasn't in your control, you didn't see it coming. But that isn't true, is it? There is always something you can do about it. You can always see it coming if you just pay attention and not take things for granted. If you stop letting your insecurities get the best of you. You tell yourself before you can even attempt it that it isn't going to work, that you are going to fail so why even bother trying? How messed up is that! The worst is when you are so scared to fail that you end up sabotaging the whole thing yourself. That is another whole level of messed up!!! Ah well, nothing I can do about it i guess!!!!

THE Guy...

Heard this from a friend's mom...

"I recognized that it doesn't matter if a guy is sexy, funny, smart, charismatic and rich if he doesn't make you feel safe to communicate openly, safe to trust his commitment and loyalty, or safe to be your fullest self. A relationship of shared virtue where each partner challenges and supports the other to bloom into their best possible selves..."

~ Karen Salmansohn

Random Ramblings...

I have been wanting to revive my blog for a while now. Yesterday I decided to finally get down to doing it. So, I started to think about all those "life-changing"/AHA (call it whatever you like) moments that have happened since I moved to Delhi and started to lead the life I had always dreamed I would. I got nothing... NOTHING!!! How terrible is that? No highs, no lows... things have just been going smoothly (which is good too, I guess). Not that there hasn't been drama (quite a lot of it i might add!!!) but nothing phenomenal that I can write about.

You know, I envy people whose passion is writing... What fun for them! Everything they experience becomes all the more amazing coz they can relive all those moments by writing about it. I think thats how people go on forever... their stories get read and people bring them back to life when they experience what the writer experienced.

Ah well... no such luck for me... I was at such a loss as to what to write about, i wrote about exactly that!

What did you expect!!!???!!

If you push people away and don't let anyone in,
If you decline to comment and never share your feelings,
If you say all you need is you and no one else,
Do you really think you are gonna be given the benefit of the doubt?
Do you really think you will be loved unconditionally and above all else?
NO!
What did you expect???!!??!?!

I spy...

She remembered something today, something she never knew she knew.

She remembers opening a door and seeing something she shouldn't have seen.

She goes over this picture in her mind, analyzing and over-analyzing it, hoping, praying even that it is her mind playing some dirty tricks on her. Hoping it is someone else's memory, someone else standing at the door. Not her but some other little girl not understanding what she is seeing, yet instinctively knowing that it is not normal, that it is wrong, that it is a big secret.

But it couldn't have been anyone else. Because the memory fit in with everything else she had learned about her reality. Maybe the burden of that secret must have been too big for her to handle. So, she forgot it. Till now...

She should have stopped there. But no, there was no going back from there. She started to remember more things. Some happy, some sad, some horrific things. Things that had made her the person she is today. She wondered sometimes why she behaved the way she did. Why she hated some things with such passion. Well, now she knew.

And as is usual with her, after the damage had already been done, she wishes she hadn't remembered at all. Because none of her questions had been answered. Well, thats not entirely true. The WHATs had been answered but not the WHYs.

Then she remembers reading somewhere, that the past is like a broken plate - you can try to piece it all together but it will never ever look the same. So she guesses it means she will never know why.

The picture in her head just keeps getting hazier and hazier.

Almost...

She stops for a moment to take a breath.

Bad idea!

That gives her mind more than enough time to think.

Yet another bad idea!

She had learned the hard way to not acknowledge her thoughts.

She never used to be like this. She used to have this picture of herself, the way she wanted to be. It used to be so clear, so vivid, so colourful. But then a few years ago this picture started to get hazy. And hazier and hazier. That really scared her because she believed the picture always guided her, told her which direction to take and what decisions to make. What was she going to do now? She was lost and confused and she felt she had no one to turn to.

With the picture in her head getting bleaker, the world around her came into sharp focus. She saw things she never noticed before, things she later wished she had never come to know. And she did what she had always done in the past - tried to fix everything she thought was wrong.

Again, bad idea!

Helplessness was a strange, alien feeling for her. She didn't know how to deal with it and the best thing to do was shut it all out. So she left, walked away from the only person who could ever truly love her because he just knew too much. A clean break, she told herself. Shut it all out. Stop thinking! Ah, a brilliant plan. Only it didn't always work.

Like now...

She was thinking. Maybe she could fix this. Maybe she could be happy again. Maybe she could love again. Or allow herself to be loved. Maybe, just maybe... The fantasy never got beyond that - She didn't let it - and though the tears rolled down her cheeks, she wasn't sobbing or out of control. She just waited a bit, took a deep breath and continued to walk to where she was supposed to be.

"Before Sunset"

I have seen the movie a million times and each time I relate to a different part or a different part hits me. This is what Celine says in one of her rants...

I was thinking...
For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore.
I was suffering so much all the time.
I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life.
It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.

Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's...
never around?

Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship.
Yeah, we have, you know,
this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him,
but at least I'm not dying inside.
When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!

No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...

Yeah, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous!
It's a disaster...
I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own.
Even being alone...
it's better than...
sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.
It's not so easy for me to be a romantic.
You start off that way, and,
after you've been screwed over a few times...
You... you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you
just take what comes into your life.
That's not even true, I haven't been...
screwed over, I've just had too many...
blah relationships. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but...
they were no real... connection, or excitement.
At least, not from my side.
You know...
it's not even that, I was...
I was fine.
Until I read your fucking book!
It stirred shit out from you,
It reminded me how... genuinely romantic I was,
how I had so much hope in things and...
now it's like...
I don't believe in anything that relates to love,
I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way...
I put all my romanticism into that one night
and I was never able to feel all this again.
Like...
somehow this night took things away from me and...
I expressed them to you and you took them with you!
It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!
You know what?
Reality and love are almost contradictory for me.
But it's my fault, I know that it's my fault, because...
I never felt it was the right man.
Never!
But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life?
The concept is absurd,
the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...
EVIL!
Right?
You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times.
And then I recovered.
So now, you know, form the start, I make no effort.
Because I know exactly whats going to happen!

Amazing shit!