Tuesday 6 October 2009

What did you expect!!!???!!

If you push people away and don't let anyone in,
If you decline to comment and never share your feelings,
If you say all you need is you and no one else,
Do you really think you are gonna be given the benefit of the doubt?
Do you really think you will be loved unconditionally and above all else?
NO!
What did you expect???!!??!?!

Friday 17 April 2009

I spy...

She remembered something today, something she never knew she knew.

She remembers opening a door and seeing something she shouldn't have seen.

She goes over this picture in her mind, analyzing and over-analyzing it, hoping, praying even that it is her mind playing some dirty tricks on her. Hoping it is someone else's memory, someone else standing at the door. Not her but some other little girl not understanding what she is seeing, yet instinctively knowing that it is not normal, that it is wrong, that it is a big secret.

But it couldn't have been anyone else. Because the memory fit in with everything else she had learned about her reality. Maybe the burden of that secret must have been too big for her to handle. So, she forgot it. Till now...

She should have stopped there. But no, there was no going back from there. She started to remember more things. Some happy, some sad, some horrific things. Things that had made her the person she is today. She wondered sometimes why she behaved the way she did. Why she hated some things with such passion. Well, now she knew.

And as is usual with her, after the damage had already been done, she wishes she hadn't remembered at all. Because none of her questions had been answered. Well, thats not entirely true. The WHATs had been answered but not the WHYs.

Then she remembers reading somewhere, that the past is like a broken plate - you can try to piece it all together but it will never ever look the same. So she guesses it means she will never know why.

The picture in her head just keeps getting hazier and hazier.

Thursday 16 April 2009

Almost...

She stops for a moment to take a breath.

Bad idea!

That gives her mind more than enough time to think.

Yet another bad idea!

She had learned the hard way to not acknowledge her thoughts.

She never used to be like this. She used to have this picture of herself, the way she wanted to be. It used to be so clear, so vivid, so colourful. But then a few years ago this picture started to get hazy. And hazier and hazier. That really scared her because she believed the picture always guided her, told her which direction to take and what decisions to make. What was she going to do now? She was lost and confused and she felt she had no one to turn to.

With the picture in her head getting bleaker, the world around her came into sharp focus. She saw things she never noticed before, things she later wished she had never come to know. And she did what she had always done in the past - tried to fix everything she thought was wrong.

Again, bad idea!

Helplessness was a strange, alien feeling for her. She didn't know how to deal with it and the best thing to do was shut it all out. So she left, walked away from the only person who could ever truly love her because he just knew too much. A clean break, she told herself. Shut it all out. Stop thinking! Ah, a brilliant plan. Only it didn't always work.

Like now...

She was thinking. Maybe she could fix this. Maybe she could be happy again. Maybe she could love again. Or allow herself to be loved. Maybe, just maybe... The fantasy never got beyond that - She didn't let it - and though the tears rolled down her cheeks, she wasn't sobbing or out of control. She just waited a bit, took a deep breath and continued to walk to where she was supposed to be.