Wednesday 30 May 2007

feeling a moment

Do you know what it feels like when a moment slips away? Wishing for someone and feeling it all begin to slide? Feeling the moment slip away...

Am I losing direction, losing faith? It's hard to face what I have become and bury the ashes of who I used to be. Now I'm trying to fill the space left behind. Still feeling the moment slip away...

It feels like there is no sun. How will I be when the dark clouds come back again? Would I still feel like there is no one? Will I fall apart again? Still feeling the moment slip away...

Was he singing this to me?

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing And I don't know why.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm...
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name...
But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm...
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name...
But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm...
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name...
But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same.

Everybody's Changing and I don't feel the same.

"Everybody's Changing" by Keane

Tuesday 29 May 2007

A Mican

My 9th day at MICA. This honestly is one of the most beautiful places I have seen and experienced. Ofcourse it's green and the landscaping is awesome. But I'm not really talking about that though it is one of the reasons why I already love this place so much. It's the vibes. Okay, I should say here that I am a very "vibes" person. If I don't get good vibes from a person or a place then I would prefer to not have anything to do with that person and run as far away from that place as possible. I obviously don't always get to do that and sometimes I'm wrong but still....

So, anyway. Back to MICA. What prompted me to write this was that it rained today. The campus is looking breathtaking. The power went off for 10 seconds (our back-up system is way too efficient) and I finally got to see the place without lights. I can't even begin to tell you what that felt like. With the smell of the first rain, raindrops falling on my face as i lay on the bench
(not on the grass coz' of my god damn ankle) and Nights in White Satin playing in the background... It was a heady experience! I've been here for such a short while but I already feel incredibly comfortable here. I have never been a major fan of walking but that is all I want to do here. Walk all around campus. Make sure I know every nook and corner. Make sure I've seen the entire langur family, proved that there are more than 5 cats on campus, actually see the pregnant cat and Roxy do something other than sleep and now chase the cats, oh and i have to see a peacock. It's embarrasing... Everyone on campus has seen one except me.

Most of all I get to do what i love to do the most- people watching. I have spent most of my free time here noticing the people on campus- my batchmates, some of the faculty, the staff, the help... It's funny how I always end up learning more about myself everything I learn more about other people. As a batchmate of mine put it- we have 120 very strongly opinionated people here. None of them wants to concede even a single point to anyone else. It's not as bad as that sounds but it is true to a very large extent. Everyone here is insecure, some more than others. None of us has any idea what's gonna hit us. But that doesn't seem to trouble anyone. Whether we're in denial or we really are excited to be here is anyone's guess. I wonder who all among these 119 ppl are going to be my friends. How many of them will I be able to trust? How many of them will be able to trust me? I wonder... I guess I'll get to know soon enough... I'm curious as hell though... :-) I'm really enjoying getting to know all my batchmates. We are all so different. Have had so many varied experiences. I wish I could get to know everyone and learn all that I can from them but then I'd be kidding myself.

So I love MICA... i can officially say that now... This place is going to be my home for the next 2 years of my life and I couldn't be happier! I have been led to believe that there will be days where I definitely won't feel that way... Luckily those days haven't come around as yet.
Yet another crisis. New place, new people but the problems aren't new. It's those same irritating insecurities that follow me around everywhere I go. That makes things even more frustrating. Everytime I think I have dealt with something and gotten rid of it for good it's back again! Including my defective ankles... That's what led to the "breakdown". As if being fucked in the head wasn't bad enough. Add to it the fact that one is in pain and can't walk around.

Enough about me feeling sorry for myself. I realised today that I was being so incredibly self-absorbed!!! Everyone is going through shit. That's just the way things are. I still don't believe that "switching off" and not thinking about something that's troubling me will make it go away. But if it is something I can't do a shit about then there is no point harping on and on about it. Easier said than done... I've spent all the 21 years of my life worrying about things that are not in my control. Maybe it is time to change. Lol... how many times have I said that to myself?!!? I always end up back here. Maybe this time will be different......